8.27.2016

working through.

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At the beginning of the year I remember feeling like 2016 was going to be a 'do-over' year for me, a chance to go back in time and live the path I've always wanted, the one I've always known was meant for me. As per usual, the year has played out slower than my impatient self expected and instead of gathering all that I want in life and having it immediately, this year has been about release, release of stagnant energy to clear the path for years to come.

 I've been awakened to traits about myself that I want to change and I've discovered a new found angle in which to view what living a creative life means for me. I've tested the waters of health and have validated that my body doesn't like an excess amount of sugar, salt or grains. I've been off of the health wagon for three weeks and a bloated stomach has been with me this whole time. In terms of exercise, slow yoga is what resonates with me. I don't know the official names of poses but an hour of stretching re-aligns my energy meridians and chakras and I feel excited to take on life. Because of yoga I'm more conscious of my breathing and throughout the work day I focus on deep full breaths. Breathing, it's so important but yet we were never taught how to do it properly. Such is the truth for many areas of life.

In the coming months I sense there's a lot more that's going to be brought to the surface for me to examine and determine it's place in my life. I'm more interested in listening to my gut feeling and making decisions based on my higher self's guidance than my mind. Yesterday I said 'yes' to two outings even though my mind was screaming at me to say 'no'. My battle with Ego is stronger than I've ever realized, it's been allowed to rule for much too long. I prefer to be honest with myself, ridding myself of Ego is going to take time, but as long as I'm putting in the effort I will be successful.

Sharing my art in a broader way is something that I would like to start doing next year. Right now I'm working thru releasing the monetary aspect that I've attached to creating and am digging thru the muck to find the place where I create out of pure joy. Thinking about selling a painting while it's in the process of being created means for me that I'm surrounding myself in an energy of lack. No wonder I go weeks at a time unable to paint. I need to create from a place of love, joy, and happiness.

Recently a coworker resigned and she's been mentioning to me that I need to get out of the toxic work environment. It definitely has it's toxic moments, and she experienced that full force, but my gut is telling me to stay put. I'm someone who moves around from job to job after two or three years, and my coworker leaving has made me think about what I want to do. I have recently passed up taking on another position at work, one that five years ago I was hired to eventually fill, but the way that everything played out to bring this position to me just wasn't right. It wasn't sitting well with me and I kept hearing from Spirit that, 'I want it, but I don't want it', and that's pretty accurate.

I would love the challenge and opportunity of a new routine but I have a lingering feeling that I'm going to end up frustrated in the end, and that's not the energy that I want to be surrounded in right now. Passing this up has definitely left me feeling lame, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that I can fully take on a new task and be successful at it. I don't need the title next to my name to prove to myself that I can do it. Filling in for this position has shown me just how much I've learned in the past few weeks, proof that down the road when Spirit directs me to make a move I will be capable.

Speaking of being directed, it's odd to have Spirit tell me not to make a move, usually I run and dive in full force. Passing up this opportunity has caused me to struggle with many thoughts, feelings, and negative self-talk. I've been trying to figure out why this panned out the way that it did and pondering if I've make a mistake by saying no to the opportunity. Aquarius Nation's Aries Horoscope validated these feelings and that I did make the right choice. I think that as the months play out I will be shown more scenarios to support this decision.

I've got to say, it's weird to be thirty-two and to be going thru so much inner work when all the humans around me are going about their life in the 'usual' way and seem content with that. As I type this I'm sitting in my back yard watching the new neighbors mow their grass and play with their baby. Sometimes for just one day I would like a break from feeling different, and experience what it's like to have the life that every single person around me has. I'm sure there's more work involved, but I sense it would be easier on the mind to fit in with every body else.

To be honest I'm tired of not fitting in, but looking back I see that all my life I've never fit in. I remember being in high school wearing thrifted bell bottoms and a groovy hippie shirt that was my grandma's from the 70's. There were a few girls who would stare at me and whisper back and forth to each other. I've always been different, but I think that it bothers others more than it bothers me. I understand that society doesn't feel comfortable with 'different' but what bothers me is when I feel the guilt that others place on me for being different, that's when I feel like I've done something wrong, if that makes sense?

I have never had a tribe of like-minded souls who are different in their ways of thinking and living life. People have popped in here and there, but then they leave, never has it been a long term connection. Living in the middle of no-where and working in a heavily religious town doesn't help me to come in contact with those like me who think outside of the box.

Where's all my people at? The ones who see Earth energy. Talk to trees, and receive guidance from the moon. Where are you?

Oh how a day of mind-peace and feeling accepted would be nice.

Namaste.

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