To be brutally honest with myself, I need to ask, do I even want this 'success' that I have been spending several years striving for?
I do feel like I missed the boat of success. I do feel like I wasn't supported at an important time in my life to pursue what I wanted, but now I have to ask myself, do I really want the success?
Do I need to reach that form of achievement?
Who am I needing to please and what am I needing to prove to myself?
I can't wrap my head around a single thing about the world of online business. Google Analytics, I mine as well be trying to read Greek. Something is just not connecting. It would be much easier if this 'something' stood right out in front of me and said, 'Richelle, this isn't part of your path. Let it go.' But that hasn't happened, and won't happen. The only one who can decide what is right for me is myself.
To be honest, the one thing that I want is freedom. I want to come and go as I please. I want to ebb and flow with the tides. I don't want to spend my time in front of a computer screen analyzing data to show me which of my posts are popular and which I could promote more. I actually can't believe that this is a form of self employment. I missed this boat for a reason, I was born a decade too late for a reason. I'm not part of the crowd that grew up with this form of technology, I grew up with tree forts and bike rides around my bay. Maybe it's time for me to accept and leave this to the youngin's that know what they are doing.
I think it's time for me to consciously look inside and find what matters to me. I'm not sure that I should be spending any more time pursuing something that was never meant to be part of my life. Maybe I need to look at my writing and painting for what it is; fun, enjoyment, a release. And maybe that's good enough.
Maybe I need to go back to simplicity. Go back to gratitude and what I am thankful for in my life today. Breathing is on the list, along with times of rest and relaxation. I'm trying to fit that square into a round hole and it's just not working.
I walk around suffering on the inside, a need for success, a need to prove to myself that I am capable of achievement is really bogging me down. Daily I have to consciously make the choice to be in a good mood, to put on a smile, to extend caring to another person. That's not okay. That's not how one who has a good life should be feeling on a daily basis.
What happens if I let it all go? All of it? Accept my life for what it is, where I am, and what I won't be part of because it simply wasn't meant to be.
Is that possible?
You may also enjoy reading the following posts by me:
A BEGINNER AT LIFE
SPIRITUAL GROWTH CAN BE CONFUSING
I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE