much on the brain.


I think things are shifting again.

I need to be honest and upfront with myself. 

I feel like I'm holding onto 'the art thing' and it's creating a block in which I'm not able to move forward.

All my life I've wanted to be an artist. I didn't get the opportunity to attend art school and I've been carrying that story for years, clinging to it in fear. Fear of letting myself down. Fear of not feeling accomplished and successful. Fear of others being right.

I'm beginning to wonder what would enter my life if I let this go

I'm a creative person and art will always be in my life, but to be super honest with myself, nothing has come from it.  One of the reasons nothing has come from it is because I can't seem to find myself regularly in the right head space necessary to push forward down that path. I'm being halted and there's got to be a reason why.

If I just accept that the title of 'artist' isn't my door to walk thru, what would show up to take it's place?

I'm kinda interested to see.


A new realization that I've had is how disillusioned I become with the people in my life. When I meet someone with whom I feel a connection somehow my life becomes all about them, and they don't even know it.

The Universe is continuing to wake me up to ways that no longer serve me.  Everyone is fallible, and I see it now.  I see how the ones that I've become engrossed in the most are just as fucked up as anyone.

They live in a continuous vortex that spins around them and I get sucked right in. These people are so very asleep to the 'ways of the Universe' and can't grasp what I truly mean by those words. Maybe I'm drawn to them because of my internal yearning to support others in their life? I keep giving out advice to those who I thought were seeking it, but time and time again I'm starting to see that they disregard what I have to say and were just looking for someone to vent to.

These people continue in the same cycle, they tell me about their challenges over and over again, and over and over again they disregard my words of advice. This is incredibly draining to me. I feel like I'm over extending my energy to people who are just looking for someone to listen to them complain about their lives and aren't really interested in taking any steps to change it.

There are a few people in my life who are taking advantage of my easily available ear and I've reached a point where my extension of kindness is causing me hurt. For the past several weeks Spirit has been telling me to reel back my eagerness to offer encouragement, and recently a situation occurred which has caused me to fully awaken to these people's true intentions with me and I've had to make a firm decision to be done with them in that regard.

I've offered all the words that I can, I've listened for the last time, and I'm being told that these people need to fall down and pick themselves back up in order to learn their life lessons. It's true that you can only tell someone something so many times before you must stop altogether and leave them to their own ways. I need to accept and see this for what it is.

I want to manifest new relationships with people who are experiencing soul journey's of growth and self discovery. People who are needing someone to turn to for support. I'm not sure in which way I can go about this, but I'm throwing that seed out into the ether.

- - -

Right now I'm at a place where I need some solitude and silence to allow these changes and new energies to settle in. Meditation is calling out to me, and I'm being shown that I need to start making it a daily practice even for only 20 minutes. Yoga has been non existent since the beginning of the month, and now that I have a renovated outdoor space I'm going to bring my mat outside where I can stretch it out in the fresh air and sunshine. I'm also being directed to walk barefoot as much as possible, something I rarely do as my feet are always freezing. I'm supposed to throw the shoes to the side and feel Mother Gaia, connecting to her grounding energy.

There's so much more that I'm going thru in terms of release and shedding of old layers. Feelings of loneliness are coming up for me and I would like a tribe of like minds to communicate with. I'm working thru some fear and uncertainty about my future, sensing that a big acceptance and release is in order. I know that the little changes I've made in my eating habits and keeping an open mind to the idea of minimalism is all helping me along my journey.

I've really been contemplating the meaning to my life lately and why I have a standard for which Ego keeps telling me I need to live up to. Does sitting outside enjoying nature and sunshine every day of your life not equate a life well lived? Are these labels obtained by money and years of schooling to obtain a degree really creating people who live lives better than those who experience the opposite? Does working a 9 to 5 desk job mean that those with said fate aren't using their time on this planet in the best way possible? Can someone be truly happy with a job that is 'just a job', or does happiness only come from self employment?

Lot's of these types of questions have been swirling around my brain. I know that we create our own realities, but what if I'm really okay with the job that I'm at? I would really like a reprieve from Ego telling me that I should be 'doing more with myself'', and for now I want to be happy with where I am. There's not a single job title out there that fits who I am and what I want to offer the world anyway, and it's time to stop looking. It's time to accept that for now there is no societal label that I fit under, so why keep listening to Ego and continue to stress about it? Maybe I was placed on this planet to be exactly where I am?

Life ebbs and flows and I continue to push forward. I want these next two months to be about resting, relaxing, and allowing myself to feel comfort in the changes that are occurring withing. I want to work on allowing, letting go, and releasing myself from that which no longer serves me.  I want to gain self acceptance of who I am, somewhat narrowing my tunnel vision in that area so that I gain a firm hold on what feels right for me and my life. There are still some things to work thru and figure out and as I get older I realize that we are all works in progress.

Wishing you all Peace and Light.


1 comment:

  1. Oh sister, there must be something in the air, as your stream of thoughts sounds an awful lot like my own. This whole past week I've just had this kind of fractured-ness, an somewhat-identity crisis of, WHO AM I?