5.31.2016

starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Source


I just had a supreme 'a-ha' moment :)

As I finished making my lunch for tomorrow, pondering what to do next with my evening, I decided to grab my current book, Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, and head to bed early. There's something so soothing about cozying up under blankets to spend a few extra hours in bed. As I walked past my studio Ego spoke up telling me that I should paint or do yoga instead. Thankfully my bed was calling louder, so that's where I went.

As I pulled up the covers I thought, 'No longer will I feel like I'm wasting time, and that I should be doing something else. Reading is doing something, and if that's what I need then how can the time spent doing it be wasted?'

Gosh I've been putting that self-imposed stress on myself for years. I've made such progress with feeling content in my life. It's fucking shit going thru inner soul work, but I'm starting to make it thru to the other side.

---

Yesterday Mr. Ego made my morning hard.

Do you ever have those days where Ego tries it's damnedest to keep you in a state of fear?

That was my day.

At least I can recognize fear's source, right?

When this happens it can mess up my whole day, producing anxiety within me for weeks. Anything 'new', anything involving doing things with others, all of this seems to give Ego a foot hold to latch in to my thought processes and strike with force.

As I've become more open to feeling energy from my surroundings and others, this has increased my anxieties when it comes to hanging out with people, even people that I've known for years. I can pick up on other's energy easily, even when they are hundreds of miles away. I sense their thoughts of wanting to get together and that's where the anxiety within myself begins.

Once the conversation occurs and the invite has been extended, my anxiety increases and regularly turns to anger and frustration that my schedule is being disrupted. My thoughts then center around all of the effort that I need to exert to visit these people. This can easily eat up days worth of energy that could be used on much more productive things.

I want to rid myself of this.

I want to experience new things and enjoy my time with others.

I found a new crystal, Tektite. For months it sat with the other rocks in my collection until one day I heard it's call to be worn.

Tektite is having an interesting effect on me. It works with your lower chakras, the ones that I have the most trouble keeping in balance. Tektite is filling in a missing piece of my make up which doesn't naturally occur within myself. It gives me a 'boost'. I feel stronger, confident, sure of myself, and connected to all that I am.

I need balance in my life.

A balance between stillness and motion. Solitude and togetherness. Painting and writing. Eating carbs and eating veggies. I think that this crystal is assisting with this.

I'm shitty at talking to people. Small talk? What is that? My mind goes blank in these situations and I end up just sitting there looking like someone who isn't interested in conversing. Tektite helps me move past this. Tektite makes me feel like I am standing in my power. My thoughts are positive. The words that I speak, positive. I feel hope, joy, and the abundance of the world.

When I carry my Tektite I experience feeling in my power. When not carrying it I feel unlike my true self. As of now I've been wearing it for two hours and I can feel my energy, thoughts, and mood shifting. I can feel the anxiety subsiding, and just sent an email to family members to request a hangout on my day off.

This crystal is helping things within me to shift and change. I am feeling more and more that my acquaintance with it is part of my spiritual journey.

Stones are a gift from the Earth, and I believe in their healing powers. I have experienced the healing properties that crystals posses and have chosen to add them to my life for a natural way of living.

Namaste.

5.27.2016

my mind is becoming my own.

This week I have been very concerned with the amount of 'programming' that goes on within society. 

For me, I have my own opinions and beliefs that have been derived from my own personal experience, and then there's those opinions and beliefs that have been forced on me by the world around me. Those are the very beliefs that I am working at ridding myself from now.

I see the damage that things like magazines, commercials, and television shows do to our minds and ultimately our lives. There are so many lies going on around us that we don't even realize it, and just consider these things part of life and the norm. When we walk into a grocery store, even that too, has been organized in a way to fool us, to tempt us into purchases that are truly not good for our being.

There was a time about a decade ago where I had gained some extra weight over the winter months. That spring I decided to cut out the majority of bad foods that I was eating and I remember walking into a big super market and literally holding my hand beside my face blocking out the sight of product on shelves so that I wouldn't be tempted to purchase them. I may have looked like a freak, but it worked! One gets drawn in by sights, sounds, and colours, and I don't want to be part of that brainwashing machine any longer.

It took me a really long time to realize that when my Mom shopped for groceries, usually every Thursday, that she was shopping to feed a family of four. Even tho it's just me and my hubs, I have been programmed to grocery shop in this way. This didn't happen because she told me that's how it's supposed to be done, but because of simple repeated exposure to this pattern. Ultimately it automatically became part of my routine.

When I shopped I found myself buying the same foods that she did. Things that always made me feel heavy and bloated after I ate them. When I made chilli or spaghetti sauce, it was a stock pot full, enough to feed a family. Way too much for just two people. For years I held the notion that I needed to shop once a week, just as she did, because that's just how it's done.  Yet again, a perfect example of my brain working against me.

I've gone thru a couple of years of transition, realizing over time that certain foods just don't agree with my body, and I've learned to cut back on the unnecessary foods that I was purchasing. For a time I tried grocery shopping at the tiny store in town where I work. I'd run in to grab a few things for a few days worth of meals, and then pop in again a few days later. It was very convenient, but I really struggled in my mind to release the pattern of needing to drive into the big city once a week to stock up on food stuffs. I even went thru a period of time where I'd stop in at this small town grocery store, and still make the journey into the city for a few extra things. I was doing this all because my brain was programmed to believe this way to be true.

I know this grocery shopping example is so simple and many won't understand why I didn't just do whatever I wanted, that I didn't need to adopt my Mother's ways. To be honest, I agree. Why did I hold on to her way of doing things?

I continue to play over my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood. My life was great, I had caring parents who took care of my sister and I and supplied us with all that we needed. Somewhere along the line I didn't adopt the thought pattern of, (I'm not even sure how to word it), 'being my own person'? I just went thru the motions of life, being more directed by others than by myself. Wake up, go to school, come home. Wake up, go to work, come home. That was my norm.

I knew there was a world out there greater than that of my own, but I wasn't shown to be open to it. I was taught (again, not that my parents taught me this, but more of the societal norm), to live a very North American lifestyle, one that focuses heavily on consumerism, materialism, wanting more, more, and more. Spending money frivolously on products that are of no benefit to anyone. Needing umpteen shirts in your closet, a shit load of shoes, and hand bags to match. The amount of useless stuff that is forced into the minds of humans is astonishing. 

I like to use crackers as a perfect example of this. The cracker selection in grocery stores is ten times bigger than it needs to be. Why are people lead to believe they need to eat these things in the first place? Why are people lead to believe that this product is food? I appreciate variety and selection, and being able to make your own choices, but at some point it just looks excessive. The amount of time, energy, and funds that it takes to make these different cracker flavours is over kill. That is time, money, and energy that could be better spent helping people in the world who are barely surviving.

Lately my thoughts are going to how it makes no fucking sense that we have billions of people in the world without food, water, and shelter, and we are focusing on stupid shit like buying the newest mascara which makes your eyelashes appear fuller. Like really!? If that's not a direct and perfect example of how we are being programmed to shift our focus off of helping each other and are instead being brainwashed to fund large corporations who do nothing to help the world and it's people, then I don't know what is.

Over time, and this year especially, I've backed away from as much advertising and media as I can. Hubs and I haven't had television for about 8 years, and it's been a great decision. We do have Netflix, but I find myself very conscious of what I watch. I no longer binge watch tv shows for hours on end and no longer enjoy giving my time and energy away to watching a movies. I've spent so much of my life doing so that I can't give up any more.

What I do enjoy is watching people, real people, and find myself watching Youtubers. I don't always agree with everything that they say, but if I'm going to give my time up to watching something, I'd rather give it to a real person who is using that platform to state their thoughts, views, and opinions, instead of to television and the media which I believe is so very controlled. I'm having a hard time listening to songs too, and much prefer playing zen/meditation type playlists of ocean waves or tibetian singing bowls.

Wow, this has been a long rant!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that right now, at this point in my journey, I really am breaking away from thought patterns that were never true for me. Gosh it's taken many years to get to this point, but I'm finally starting to feel some comfort in my own skin, in my own mind. As I allow layers of useless thought patterns to be shed, space is being created for my own thought patterns to rise to the surface. This in turn is making me feel like a whole person, one who is connecting deeply with herself for the first time in...ever.

Namaste friends.

5.24.2016

painting revelations.

Source


The Universe sends me downloads pretty much on a daily basis. Some cause me to go into a momentary daydream state, and others are full on sentences that I can hear Higher Beings speaking in my head. Because I'm going thru a lot of shifting, I'm receiving these downloads for all facets of my life.

My painting journey is taking shape and I'm being told that 2016 is when the seeds of this journey are being planted. This took me a while to accept, as I feel like I've been on this journey for sometime. My ego was helping me to feel impatient, and wanting things now. Thankfully I've calmed her down and am seeing this as a magical time, a true start that will grow strong like a tall Oak tree.

My paintings are progressing slowly, but again, that's because I'm receiving pieces of my puzzle over a period of weeks instead of instantly. I find myself in a burst of creativity where I knock out a really cool and different painting. I ride that high for a few days until I'm hit with needing to stay out of my studio and rest. I'm no longer pressuring myself to create every day, and am accepting a 'go with the flow' mentality. Being shown that the seeds are being planted is helping me to relax. I think that I was so worried that this wouldn't happen for me that I was trying to force it into existence. Now I know that it will happen, but like a tree needs time to grow, so does this.

Going thru this painting journey makes me almost feel like I'm outside of my body, watching myself create. As I paint, I'm working at keeping my mind clear listening to guidance from Source to change colours and tools when directed to do so. Ego tries to speak up, but I've been telling it to 'Eff Off!'  Just now as I snuck a peek at the current work hanging on my studio wall, ego immediately said, 'This is amateur.' I replied with, 'Yah, maybe. But its mine, and I'm proud of it.' And that's all that matters.

I've been trying to reach some imaginary level with my art, that to be honest, doesn't even exist. The 'great works' from 'the greats', in my opinion aren't 'great'. The painters from years past are doing exactly what the painters of today are doing. They are painting whatever they want, in whatever way they want to paint it. It's not until today that I realize that's kinda what art is all about. It doesn't matter if people like it, or if they hate it. It doesn't matter if they say you're the next Picasso, or the next dumpster dud. What matters is that you created, and you created for yourself.

As I look at my current work in progress, I'm hearing that it's almost done. I know people will critique it and say that it's incomplete, and to me, to be honest again, yes, it does look incomplete. But that's what I enjoy about it. I enjoy that when I look at it, it makes me feel something. Whether that's happiness because I'm looking at a 'beautiful' painting, or whether it's making me feel uncomfortable and is giving me something to ponder. I love that!

Just like they say about celebrities in the news, 'All press is good press', I feel that's true for art too. In the end it's meant for people to look at. It's meant to stir something within them. Does it always have to be good? No. The world is a fucked up place, as humans we experience all forms of emotion, and that's what my art is supposed to evoke.

From now on I will paint what I want how I want. And that makes me happy :)

Namaste.

5.23.2016

i will not give up who i am for your way of thinking.

Source


I've spoken of the many realizations that I've had thus far, and they are continuing :) 

Over the years many different lifestyles have resonated with me, raw food, vegan-ism, tiny houses, yoga, meditation, minimalism, etc. In the past I've jumped wholeheartedly into whatever came across my path, only to find myself releasing it a short while later. I now see why. More than half the battle of living a lifestyle that resonates with me has been with my mind. Being an Aries, when I want something, I want it now. This doesn't always work well with my reality. I fully believe that divine timing is a real 'thing', and that it is having a huge impact on my life's journey.

I'm going thru a phase of unlearning, questioning all that I was lead to believe and was told to be true. 

I don't believe that I was regularly supported in following what felt true for me. I was compared to others, told that my way was not right, that I needed to be doing what they were doing. This has had a detrimental impact on me, especially once social media came around and I could easily see the lives of others. For several years now I have been looking to others, trying to implement their way into my life. This has resulted in feelings of confusion and failure, and of course never ended up working for me. The people that I look to stand strong in who they are, and do life their way. Why can't I do that for myself too?

This year is turning out to be one where I grab hold of who I am, and stand strong in that knowing, regardless if others don't understand.

What I want for my life is to love myself and who I am. I want to love every day of my journey no matter where I am and what I am doing. If I wake up on a Sunday morning and spend the whole day reading a book in the sun, then I want to be ok with that, no, I want to love that, because that is what is right for me. If I want to step back from society and 'live simply' in this chaotic world, then that's what I know is right for me, and is what I need to be doing. I need to follow my Higher Self's guidance, and not the words of others.

I'm making changes to avoid taking on the energy, thoughts, and emotions of others, so that I can live my life happily. 

I want to live consciously, and make choices that are right for me. If you don't understand that, it's a moot point really, because what I'm doing shouldn't matter to you, and what you are doing doesn't matter to me. That may sound like I'm insensitive, but I no longer believe that's the case.

For thirty-two years I have felt like the odd ball out, the weird one, the one with kooky ideas that no one understands. And you know what, I've always been okay with that. But I've carried around the weight of others who felt negatively towards my choice in lifestyle. Today I release it. I say, 'Fuck you all', in a nice way :) No longer will I carry your shit.

I have put in so much time and effort to finding my voice, and becoming acquainted and accepting of it, that I'm no longer willing to give yours any power over me. Think what you want, say what you want, I don't care. I'll be sitting in the sun enjoying a good book, while you are wasting your energy griping over me.

People need to wake up. 

We need to wake up to the lies we are being fed, the brainwashing that has occurred to us since our birth, to the backwards way of 'living'. As much as I want to help you, I'm still being told by Source to focus my energy on myself right now. Everyone has access to information, and it's part of your own soul's journey to seek it.

Today the air feels fresh. This is going to be a great summer.

Namaste.

5.14.2016

digging this warrior vibe.

Today I feel warrior energy flowing thru me.

This is the best Merc Retrograde ever! I've said this before, that I've learned to accept this time as a positive instead of a negative - like so many tend to believe. Change your thinking, change your life! Sure I've had some set backs that have fired me up and brought anger to the surface, but now I'm able to catch myself before I allow that angry energy to leave my being and enter the universe. I stop, breathe, accept, adjust my course, and carry on with a smile. Wonderful lessons to be learned during this time!

The image above resonated with me deeply. I'm not a mother, and don't have a yearning to be one, but I do believe that all women have mother energy inside of them. I believe that my mother energy is for the planet. Humanity has lived in a masculine world for so long. Now it's time for females to step into their power, rise up, and bring us all back into the light.

Your talents and interests are your gifts to the world. 

They are what you were meant to do with your life. By sharing your gifts, the positive energy that you have put into creating them will spread positive energy to all who come in contact with them. Your song, your recipe, your painting, your juggling busker show, all of it spreads joy, and happiness.

With the help of Spirit I see things in a whole new light. 

My change in thinking has really created a positive life for myself. I now know what is good for me and my being and what to stay away from. I no longer feel guilty for who I am and the choices and decisions that I make. Everyone is different, I can't be like you and you can't be like me. I was never shown to see the beauty in that difference and went thru hard lessons to learn it for myself.

I like myself and I like who I am. It feels so good to be supportive of myself instead of constantly looking at the lives of others and comparing myself to them. I would always feeling like I was doing life wrong and they were doing it right. I like my little house, my two puggies, I like painting, and I like focusing on eating healthy. This is all so good.

Namaste.

5.13.2016

spiritual journey re-cap.

Source

The revelations that I've had this year have been miraculous.

Spirit is continuing to talk to me; encouraging me, guiding me, and reassuring me on my journey. I feel such a shift in myself and others across this planet. We have just entered the Age of Aquarius, but I can see and feel the changes beginning to stir in the minds and hearts of my fellow human beings. More and more I am feeling convinced that this world I believe in is real.

The veil is being lifted and I am looking at life in a whole new way. 

All of this is occurring to raise the vibration of the planet from one of fear to one of love. Tho I have my challenging relationship with social media, I'm beginning to see how its existence in our lives, if we choose, helps us to focus on the good. I can't help but wonder if this was all divine timing. I also wonder if the moments I thought I had lost to the 'addiction' of social media have actually been moments of guided learning, a rewiring of my brain and my thinking.

I tend to focus my online time to learning about healthy foods, reading quotes about consciousness and awakening, and watching vids from fellow souls like me who are walking their spiritual journey. These are people who have taken control of their lives, living in their power, trusting their intuition and the messages that they receive from Source. I could go on and on about these courageous souls who are paving the way for future generations. There is no documentation, no book to turn to for guidance and direction about the new energies surrounding the planet and humanity. When someone uploads a video describing their spiritual awakening and the symptoms they are going thru, that in turn helps the next soul who is going thru the same journey and is looking for answers.

Lately I've been tuning in to Victor Oddo's channel about his spiritual journey. I thoroughly appreciate and resonate with people who are true to themselves and speak my soul language. He talks about a very deep and thought provoking topic, but remains very chill and grounded. I highly suggest those of you walking this same path to check out his channel, especially his video on Energy Vampires. Instantly I was able to see that I was giving too much of my energy to 3D people causing myself to feel empty.

I have gone thru SO much inner work due to my spiritual awakening.

I was speaking with a coworker today about chapters in life coming to an end and how a teacher of hers said that at these times we should reflect on what we went thru in order to close the book and move forward without any attachments to the past. What a beautiful thought!

When I go thru rough times in life, that is when I feel the most drawn to writing. I have a few journals from last year that Spirit has told me to get rid of, but my 3D self wasn't ready. It's been a few months since that convo with Source and thanks to my awakening process, I am now ready to release these journals to the fire.

Lately I have been focused on healthy eating. I have tried this before, several times, but it's different this time. It feels effortless, and everything tastes beyond amazing! I can't get enough greeeeeens! And avocado oh my! Where have you been all my life?!?

This year is turning out to be a closing of one chapter of my Soul's journey here in this lifetime.

We are five months in and I have accomplished much inner work that will help to propel me along my path in 2017. For those who find themselves on a similar path, I know it can feel hard and heavy, but don't worry, allow the process and you won't be in those energies for long. Recognize the dark times as those of deep healing and shedding of old thought patterns that no longer serve you and your purpose. You will be guided thru the muck and back into the light as a new version of yourself. We are all going thru this at different paces, keep your ears and eyes tuned to Source and follow the guidance.

Namaste.


5.01.2016

putting myself first.

Source


For a week or so now I've been hearing from Spirit that, "I can lead them to water, but I can't force them to drink."

I'm someone who isn't afraid to go deep and do inner work on self. I research, experiment, plan, converse with Spirit, and find a solution to a problem. When another tells me their struggles, if it's something that I have gone thru too, I list them out from A to Z how to go about resolving it. I practically draw them a map showing them how to find water. I then end up driving them there myself. I put the car in park, open the door for them, take their hand, and walk with them to the stream. I want to help these people. I want to show them that their problem does have a solution. But I can't force their lips to the water, I can't force them to take a sip.

Are these people willing to listen to my suggestions? Yes.

Do they drink from the stream? No.

Time and time again I put my energy out there to helping people. I've learned that these people really only want to talk about their problems instead of making actual changes. Many people don't like looking inward, they don't want to see what's deep inside them. I get it. Feelings can be scary. Not everyone wants to feel. And then there's the fear of change. People like to talk about wanting to make changes, but rarely do they really want to change.

I think I'm at a place where I can no longer extend my energy outward to those who aren't really wanting to make changes. If you just want to talk, fine, I'll be an ear to listen. But by extending my energy to these people who are doing nothing with it, I am losing some very valuable energy that I could be applying to my own life. I feel bad saying this, but I think that Spirit is telling me to take a break from offering up advice to others right now.

I am shedding many layers of myself that no longer serve me, all to put me where I need to be on my path. I'm doing some deep Soul work, and I need all the energy I can muster to work thru that. I see visions of myself in the future, I know where I want to be and what I need to change within to achieve it. Right now I can only help the one who is willing to do the work, and that one is myself.

Namaste.