4.19.2016

sorry for the ramble.

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As of today I have been alive for 11,656 days.

For some reason I thought that number would be higher, and at the same time it does seem like a lot.

What's coming up for me lately is thoughts of failure. For those brave enough to go down the path of inner work and self discovery, facing what is shown can be challenging, confusing, and at times painful.

As energies shift across the planet, and my own energies shift and transform, different parts of myself are being brought to the surface for healing and release.

Spirit is consistently reminding me to relax, which has been causing confusion because I don't lead a busy life with a full schedule. When I check in with my Higher Self for guidance I'm directed to my Soul feeling exhausted. Exhausted due to all of the self imposed pressure that I put on myself. I'm constantly striving but getting no where. Doors close all the time, and I think it's time to figure out why.

Right now I'm being asked to release and accept

Release the image I have in my head of a life that I thought I wanted for myself, and accept where I am. I'm having a lot of flash backs to when I was a child and what I wanted for my adult self. We are all made different, and I can't help that this is how I was made. All that I can do is embrace it and live within this body that I was given. My life doesn't look like 'the norm' because it wasn't supposed to. When am I going to accept that and release the guilt that I feel because of it?

This will seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it's something that bothers me and for some reason I need to get it out there. I am up really early for work. Most nights waking thru the night several times and never getting a proper sleep. By the time I get home and tackle my chore list, I'm exhausted. I have a hard time accepting this because it's just me. I'm not taking care of others and organizing schedules that would warrant my exhaustion. For some reason I don't feel like I should be allowed to rest.

How bizarre is that? When I probe this further it always comes down to the fact that I don't have kids and how can I possibly be tired when I'm not taking care of a child, or two, or three.

I need to release this already, as it has brought me so much guilt, pain, and confusion. This is definitely a major area where I feel like I've failed. Perhaps, failed at being a woman and not wanting something that I'm naturally supposed to yearn for.

I am not a maternal person and never have been. Babies freak me out and to be honest, not to offend anyone, but the idea of me being pregnant repulses me. I can't fathom it, and do not want it. However, there is a lot of kid stuff that I feel like I miss out on and would like to experience. The baby part tho, is just not for me. I would be a person much more suited to adopting or fostering a young child.

What a journey this has been for my soul to go thru.

I don't know what my destiny will be, and I have much more to work thru and release, but I'm going to sit with these feelings of failure and really feel them. Allow them to exist and give them the stage to do so. They want to speak up and I'm going to listen to what they have to say. Granting them their turn at the mic will allow me to move forward in my life feeling like I'm succeeding at being me. I deserve, as we all do, to not have this held over my head for all of eternity. I'm just here walking the path that I was given and I want to be able to do that in love and peace.

Namaste.

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