4.17.2016

i'm here.

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There's something that I've wanted to chat about for a while, but I've needed to get some other things out of the way first and gather my thoughts.

For several years of my adult life, I'd say for the past 7 or 8 for sure, I've lived with my focus on the future. My focus was always well ahead of where I actually was. I either focused a few months ahead, a season ahead, or in some cases years ahead. It was rare for me to feel my energy fully in my body and feel like my energy and thoughts were in the present moment. Reading Eckhart Tolle's books all those years ago about this very subject of living in the now made sense to me, but I couldn't live it then because my energy was outside of my body.

I had a huge shift in my spiritual journey last summer and as the challenging times flowed thru the fall, into winter, and now into the spring, I'm experiencing something that I haven't felt for well over a decade. I physically feel myself here, in every day, in every moment. I wake up in each day literally feeling the day. It's taken me a bit to gather my thoughts for this post and I still can't fully put together the words that I want to use to express this. I guess what I'm trying to say in a simple way is that I'm experiencing living life in the present.

The odd thing about this tho, is that I haven't been compelled to do much during this time. I've actually been feeling called to chill out, relax, remove the self imposed thoughts and stresses that I've been putting on myself for so long. No reading, no painting, just drinking some warm lemon water and letting the thoughts flow thru my head and type or write them out. It's time for me to take a break, and within that break, I sense a shift will take place. The shift will take place regardless, but my release will ease the process.

I always felt like 2016 was going to be great, but my ego self expected more of a, 'find your purpose, life your purpose, be your purpose', type of mentality. Now, four months in, I'm starting to see that 2016 is the start to my spiritual journey, on a different level. Key word there being 'start'. Because this is the start, there's no other place that I can begin at other than the beginning. A lot is coming up, a lot is being worked on, a lot is happening within and much progress is being made.

Living for so long in the future was painful. I never felt good enough, never felt accomplished enough. Never felt like I measured up to those around me. No one put these thoughts on me, it's just something that I've gathered along the way living in the world that I do which is so intensely focused on more, more, more. Here's a link to a video that I watched this week about materialism, yikes(!), eye opening.

I've been feeling pain in my heart chakra. I keep my heart and myself pretty guarded and protected, not letting many in. I find the energy of others to be overwhelming because I feel SO much from them. A lot of people would call me an introvert, which I don't agree with, and the more I open intuitively and learn about energy, the more I see that it stems from the fact that I'm intuitive. As an intuitive person, when I'm in a group of people I tend to quiet down. It's not because I would rather be at home by myself, as many would define an introvert, it's because I'm hearing the thoughts, and picking up on the emotions of those around me.

When in a group of people my energy starts to naturally tap in to the energy of others around me and my mind goes blank. Realizing this now helps me to see that this may be one of the reasons why I don't tend to speak much when I find myself in a group of people. There's so much going on energetically, and I'm picking up on all of it. This results in my focus being distracted from the conversation at hand, and me tuning in to feeling what's going on with the people that are around me. It really is astonishing to me that I can sense something from someone else, what a gift. A challenging gift.

Bringing myself back to the now, when I try to look ahead into the future, I can't. I see nothing. I don't know where I'm going, what I'll be doing, who I will be. And oddly enough, for someone like me who needs answers, needs to know how things are going to play out, for once, I am okay with not knowing. I'm okay with not having answers, not seeing the end result before it happens.

That's a huge shift in my focus, perception, physical and spiritual journey. I guess what I'm feeling called to say is that progress IS being made. For you, for me. We are progressing along our journeys. Trust it.

Namaste.

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