frustration at studio 9x10.


I don't understand something. 

I don't understand how last night I felt fully in the flow of creativity, and less than 24 hours later, I want to tear apart and burn all three canvases that I was painting.

The image above is one of the three canvases that I was working on. What the eff are these creatures? Dogs? Deer? An evil looking kangaroo? What do they have to do with anything that I am trying to accomplish? And don't even get me started on the random flora floating above their heads!

I'm starting to wonder if canvases come pre-cursed. This particular canvas has not co-operated with me from the very beginning and has oooooooodles of layers of paint and gesso on it. I want the canvas to be one thing, and it wants to be another. We fight. We argue. We waste paint and hours of time and effort.

I know that the intuitive process of painting is to allow images to show themselves to you, however, when the image appearing is that of an evil kangaroo, I have no interest in hanging that on my wall.

Why can't I seem to freaking figure this out?

Lately I've been journaling about my art. One day I write that I feel I need to start a piece with some direction, but when I sit down with a fresh canvas I am pulled to paint free style. Or, I will journal that I feel the intuitive painting process is best for me, but when I sit down with my sketchbook I will want some reference material to look at, a starting point.

If I can't even get my journaled thoughts 'on the same page', how can I expect myself to paint as such?

It's quite frustrating after I've spent hours working on a canvas, and all that I want to do is cover it up with white paint and start fresh. Which is exactly what I did with evil kangaroo.

Lately when an image shows up on my canvas it makes me feel stuck. 

I find myself painting around these images because I don't want to cover them up. It's not really that I feel I'm going to wreck the painting if I do, it's more that I feel like if I do cover up the images, I am yet again trapped in limbo waiting for another image to appear after several more layers of paint are added.

How does one combine a fluid and flowy painting process with a starting point or planned direction?

I don't know. Do you?

What I know for sure is that I'm feeling stuck in these feathers again. I was willing to explore them and see where they would take me, but they took me straight to Stuckville.

When I find myself in Stuckville the painting becomes no more than a large coloring book page. All of my images are created in black outline, and I am left to fill them in with color. Doing so makes me feel like I've lost the motion in the piece. It becomes flat and void of emotion. Sure, it may look 'nice', but who cares? I don't want to just create nice pieces, I want to create something that makes the viewer feel something inside.

How do I do that?

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