4.29.2016

new sense of self.


Another Mercury Retrograde is upon us and I am truly looking forward to it. 

These retrogrades used to freak me out, putting me on edge, expecting disaster to strike. Now I see them as time to step back, relax, and take some deep, soulful, reflective breaths.

Living in a technological age means that I receive my messages from Spirit via things like instagram, pinterest, youtube, and netflix. Earlier in the week a documentary about a fashion designer caught my eye and I was prompted to watch it tonight as I cozied up on the couch with a blanket. 

I had never heard of Jeremy Scott before, but I have seen the Adidas kicks with wings that he designs. His clothing is a bit too over the top for this hippie to wear, but I truly appreciate his sense of self and his determination to push forward no matter how many people criticize his creations.

When I was a young kid I used to watch Fashion Television every Saturday. I loved it! It's not so much that I was into fashion, but I loved the art form. I loved seeing big, colourful, crazy looking designs strutting down the run way. I loved that the designers spent hours, days, weeks, months, putting together a show from scratch. It's such a commitment of time, energy, hard work, and focus. The collections that may be considered 'ugly' or 'unfashionable' were my favorite. Those were the collections where the designer went all out, staying true to their self.

It takes guts and courage to show your Soul to the world. 

With the ease of the internet and social media artists are utilizing these tools to create their very own run way of work. It really is intimidating for me to take a photo of a work in progress and post it on the internet. All of social media allows for instantaneous critic and you never know what people will say. For the most part I find people to be supportive and it's helped me continue to wage the internal war with Ego. I am a super private person, and sharing my art is sharing a piece of me that no one even knows exists. As I continue to use social media to document my painting journey I am feeling more comfortable with standing next to my work and saying 'Yes, this is me, this is who I am.' 

Jeremy Scott grew up in rural Kansas and he has taken over the world, all because he followed the call from Spirit. Watching his documentary helped me see that this period in my life truly is a starting point to walking the path that I so badly wanted to walk over a decade ago. For years I held onto and replayed the story about why I didn't attend art school. I felt sadness, anger, and frustration. Now I find myself  at a place of acceptance and peace.

Healing takes time.

Going thru this was meant to be part of my journey. Because of this I know who I am, I know what I want, and I'm going after it. 

Namaste.

4.27.2016

i am a painter.

Source

The Universe urged me to pick up my copy of The Alchemist yesterday, and I now see why. Within it's pages are reminders to us of why we were put on this Earth. I was shown yet again, that art is my calling, my life's purpose.

Today, and every day going forward, I will call myself a painter.

I have followed the breadcrumbs left for me by the Universe, and I stand proudly in a place and life that I have wanted for many years. The voices and opinions of others are non-existent and I walk the path, that I know deep down in my Soul, was meant for me. I have the studio that I longed for, located ever so conveniently in my home, and I am doing it.

Today is my first day off at home and I am painting!

I planned to be up at 8am and in my studio by 9am, but I think I've learned that putting timelines on things, especially creative things, just doesn't work for me. I create best when my mind and body are fully rested. I slept for an extra hour and a half after my alarm went off. I've decided to not look at the clock on these days, and allow them to flow at their own pace, timeline, and speed. Ego keeps trying to take over, telling me that the floors need to be mopped, towels laundered, dinner made, but too bad Ego, you're not in control here!

To be honest, I can't rush my painting process, which is something that I have been doing. Seeing others online produce a new piece every day makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not able to create at the speed that I need to. Which is complete bullshit. 

Sometimes I find myself sitting back and staring at my canvas for a good ten minutes. Again, Ego tries to chirp in, telling me that I've wasted ten minutes of creation time by sitting back and being unproductive. But I say, 'Fuck you Ego!" Looking at the canvas is part of the process. One needs to look in silence in order to hear the next bit of direction from the Universe.

I've found my groove with the art tools that resonate with me. 

Charcoal, good ol' HB #2 pencil, chalk, pastel, beige, and white paint. If other artists can consistently use what feels natural to them, then so can I. I'm tired of fighting what feels right to me just because I don't see others creating in this way. I'm repeatedly being drawn to the same colors and tools because they have been specifically selected by the Universe for me and my creative journey. And that is quite special and sacred.

The Universe wants me to create big paintings. The Universe wants me to make marks, and lots of them. The Universe wants me to cover those marks up, flip the canvas over, and make some more. 

My creations are completely different than those of the artists I look to for inspiration. 

I've finally realized that it's supposed to be that way. We aren't meant to look at another's work and copy it. We are meant to look at another's work and 'feel' something. What we feel is a stirring of energy inside us. We are then meant to harness that energy and use it during the process of creating our own pieces.

My paintings look nothing like what I thought they would, but the process feels ever so right. 

For me, it truly is about the process, and the finished painting is but an extra for putting in all that work. My paintings are like the toy you receive at the bottom of a cereal box. A thank you from the company for purchasing and eating their product. My finished paintings are a thank you gift from the Universe for dedicating time working thru that which my Soul needs healing and release.

Truly magical.

It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. 

I get it now.

Namaste.

4.26.2016

my feelings are my niche.


For years I have been telling myself that when I figure myself out, when I heal, when I work thru some of my shit, that is when I will find my painting style.

Gah! Who does that? Who puts failure upon them-self?

I've been keeping myself stuck. Keeping myself from starting. Keeping myself from using art as the exact tool to work thru all these very things which I thought I needed to fix before I could start to create.

I've been given an art breadcrumb.

It took an email from an Aunt telling me to 'let it go', and stumbling across a young painter who paints her version of water to make me realize what I need to do. I need to paint my feelings! I need to use art to visually show what it is that I feel. 

Being empathic I am naturally uber tuned in to my feelings. Good, bad, happy, sad, yada, yada, yada, you get the drift, they are all there. Sometimes all at once! I regularly check in to see how I'm feeling, both physically and emotionally. I can't believe that it has taken this long for me to make the connection, however I understand why. Divine timing. This connection came a few days before I found out that my work schedule is to be switched up. Allowing for one full day a week at home, a full day to create.

Magic days are about to happen.

I see it already. I'm going to set my alarm for 8am, a little bit of sleeping in would be nice :) Then by 8:30am I will be turning on the tunes in my studio, lighting my candles and sage, drinking a yummy cup of coffee, and bam(!), up rolls 9am where my studio day begins! For months I have been saying how nice it would be to have one day a week where I can wake up and paint, instead of cramming it into an evening when I'm tired.

Sunday I spent some time cleaning and organizing my studio. I spruced up my Ganesha tapestry, packed some extra supplies away, and hung up my world map. The space is open and ready. Sunday evening I hit up youtube to create a painting playlist. I work best when listening to stuff like native american drumming, shamanic journeying, zen/spa meditation music. All so good! Something about the consistent beat and lack of words helps me get in my zone. As I added titles to my playlist, I thought about this new day off. I have some apprehension about it, I have never been in this situation before. Working four days a week seems weird to me, and I had some thoughts of failure pop up, like I was no longer contributing etc. Amongst this noise from ego, I heard from Spirit, 'It's all happening for a reason.' 

The Universe knows how much I want this. I know how much I want this. It may take the Universe some time to shift things, but all will fall into place :)

Namaste Friends.

4.25.2016

breadcrumbs from spirit.

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The messages that I receive from Spirit still amaze me :)

I've been working intently, hand-in-hand with Spirit for over a year and the more I trust the more I receive. I'm able to look back and connect the dots, see just how the breadcrumbs that were left for me lined up to bring me to where I am today.

Spirit whispered a phrase to me, 'Dark night of the Soul.' 

Yikes right !?! I hadn't consciously heard of this before, and after reading up on it, realized that yes, that is currently where I am.

It sounds ominous, a dark abyss where ships go to die, the dark forest that you will never return from. But when I checked in with myself, I didn't feel negative about it. I've learned that life truly is a journey of ups and downs, twists, turns. This dark night that I have entered is but a left turn in the journey, one that I will walk thru, and venture out of when the timing is right.

A lot has changed, a lot is changing.

Usually I would react with oodles of tears, wallowing in self pity. Poor me, poor me. Instead I am accepting the change and working with it in trust. This is one example of the changes a person goes thru during the dark night. Old patterns that no longer serve are shed away, allowing the light to shine thru to more loving ways of living. This period of time is one of intense healing, and I can sense that the process has begun.

I keep thinking about materialism, diet, what's good for me, my body, and my mental health. I've been paying attention to the things that make me feel my utmost best. A morning fruit smoothie with extra greens, writing, listening to meditation music, lavender essential oil, these simple things all work together to keep me balanced. Because energy affects me as greatly as it does, creating space for these things in my day allows me to be my true self, and helps me to shine thru and shake off the dark grime that can cling to me from others that I come in contact with.

This lifetime is turning out to be one big healing journey. All I can do is go with it.

Namaste.

4.19.2016

sorry for the ramble.

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As of today I have been alive for 11,656 days.

For some reason I thought that number would be higher, and at the same time it does seem like a lot.

What's coming up for me lately is thoughts of failure. For those brave enough to go down the path of inner work and self discovery, facing what is shown can be challenging, confusing, and at times painful.

As energies shift across the planet, and my own energies shift and transform, different parts of myself are being brought to the surface for healing and release.

Spirit is consistently reminding me to relax, which has been causing confusion because I don't lead a busy life with a full schedule. When I check in with my Higher Self for guidance I'm directed to my Soul feeling exhausted. Exhausted due to all of the self imposed pressure that I put on myself. I'm constantly striving but getting no where. Doors close all the time, and I think it's time to figure out why.

Right now I'm being asked to release and accept

Release the image I have in my head of a life that I thought I wanted for myself, and accept where I am. I'm having a lot of flash backs to when I was a child and what I wanted for my adult self. We are all made different, and I can't help that this is how I was made. All that I can do is embrace it and live within this body that I was given. My life doesn't look like 'the norm' because it wasn't supposed to. When am I going to accept that and release the guilt that I feel because of it?

This will seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it's something that bothers me and for some reason I need to get it out there. I am up really early for work. Most nights waking thru the night several times and never getting a proper sleep. By the time I get home and tackle my chore list, I'm exhausted. I have a hard time accepting this because it's just me. I'm not taking care of others and organizing schedules that would warrant my exhaustion. For some reason I don't feel like I should be allowed to rest.

How bizarre is that? When I probe this further it always comes down to the fact that I don't have kids and how can I possibly be tired when I'm not taking care of a child, or two, or three.

I need to release this already, as it has brought me so much guilt, pain, and confusion. This is definitely a major area where I feel like I've failed. Perhaps, failed at being a woman and not wanting something that I'm naturally supposed to yearn for.

I am not a maternal person and never have been. Babies freak me out and to be honest, not to offend anyone, but the idea of me being pregnant repulses me. I can't fathom it, and do not want it. However, there is a lot of kid stuff that I feel like I miss out on and would like to experience. The baby part tho, is just not for me. I would be a person much more suited to adopting or fostering a young child.

What a journey this has been for my soul to go thru.

I don't know what my destiny will be, and I have much more to work thru and release, but I'm going to sit with these feelings of failure and really feel them. Allow them to exist and give them the stage to do so. They want to speak up and I'm going to listen to what they have to say. Granting them their turn at the mic will allow me to move forward in my life feeling like I'm succeeding at being me. I deserve, as we all do, to not have this held over my head for all of eternity. I'm just here walking the path that I was given and I want to be able to do that in love and peace.

Namaste.

4.17.2016

i'm here.

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There's something that I've wanted to chat about for a while, but I've needed to get some other things out of the way first and gather my thoughts.

For several years of my adult life, I'd say for the past 7 or 8 for sure, I've lived with my focus on the future. My focus was always well ahead of where I actually was. I either focused a few months ahead, a season ahead, or in some cases years ahead. It was rare for me to feel my energy fully in my body and feel like my energy and thoughts were in the present moment. Reading Eckhart Tolle's books all those years ago about this very subject of living in the now made sense to me, but I couldn't live it then because my energy was outside of my body.

I had a huge shift in my spiritual journey last summer and as the challenging times flowed thru the fall, into winter, and now into the spring, I'm experiencing something that I haven't felt for well over a decade. I physically feel myself here, in every day, in every moment. I wake up in each day literally feeling the day. It's taken me a bit to gather my thoughts for this post and I still can't fully put together the words that I want to use to express this. I guess what I'm trying to say in a simple way is that I'm experiencing living life in the present.

The odd thing about this tho, is that I haven't been compelled to do much during this time. I've actually been feeling called to chill out, relax, remove the self imposed thoughts and stresses that I've been putting on myself for so long. No reading, no painting, just drinking some warm lemon water and letting the thoughts flow thru my head and type or write them out. It's time for me to take a break, and within that break, I sense a shift will take place. The shift will take place regardless, but my release will ease the process.

I always felt like 2016 was going to be great, but my ego self expected more of a, 'find your purpose, life your purpose, be your purpose', type of mentality. Now, four months in, I'm starting to see that 2016 is the start to my spiritual journey, on a different level. Key word there being 'start'. Because this is the start, there's no other place that I can begin at other than the beginning. A lot is coming up, a lot is being worked on, a lot is happening within and much progress is being made.

Living for so long in the future was painful. I never felt good enough, never felt accomplished enough. Never felt like I measured up to those around me. No one put these thoughts on me, it's just something that I've gathered along the way living in the world that I do which is so intensely focused on more, more, more. Here's a link to a video that I watched this week about materialism, yikes(!), eye opening.

I've been feeling pain in my heart chakra. I keep my heart and myself pretty guarded and protected, not letting many in. I find the energy of others to be overwhelming because I feel SO much from them. A lot of people would call me an introvert, which I don't agree with, and the more I open intuitively and learn about energy, the more I see that it stems from the fact that I'm intuitive. As an intuitive person, when I'm in a group of people I tend to quiet down. It's not because I would rather be at home by myself, as many would define an introvert, it's because I'm hearing the thoughts, and picking up on the emotions of those around me.

When in a group of people my energy starts to naturally tap in to the energy of others around me and my mind goes blank. Realizing this now helps me to see that this may be one of the reasons why I don't tend to speak much when I find myself in a group of people. There's so much going on energetically, and I'm picking up on all of it. This results in my focus being distracted from the conversation at hand, and me tuning in to feeling what's going on with the people that are around me. It really is astonishing to me that I can sense something from someone else, what a gift. A challenging gift.

Bringing myself back to the now, when I try to look ahead into the future, I can't. I see nothing. I don't know where I'm going, what I'll be doing, who I will be. And oddly enough, for someone like me who needs answers, needs to know how things are going to play out, for once, I am okay with not knowing. I'm okay with not having answers, not seeing the end result before it happens.

That's a huge shift in my focus, perception, physical and spiritual journey. I guess what I'm feeling called to say is that progress IS being made. For you, for me. We are progressing along our journeys. Trust it.

Namaste.

4.16.2016

art musings.

I'm back at the space of feeling like this art thing isn't part of my destiny. A hobby sure, but not my sole life's purpose. Hard fact for me to swallow. 
I would have thought that this would make me feel sad but I'm feeling more of a release. Pursuing a creative life has brought much self imposed stress to my life, and I'm finding myself at the point of exhaustion with this stress. I keep being reminded of a yoga quote that I saw on Pinterest a while back, "The yoga pose that you resist the most is the pose that you NEED the most."
Why can't this be applied to all situations in life?  Why can't that which I am not willing to release be exactly what I do need to release? Has your mind been blown yet??
Over the last several years I have seen a key theme in my life, learning to let go. This could quite possibly be another one of those things. 

***

I wrote the above part of this post, and then put my laptop aside to do other things, feeling like there was more that I had to add.

I did some cleaning, napped, and after waking from said nap, let my dogs outside and boiled some water for my lemon/ginger/honey tea. While waiting for the water to boil I picked up my copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves, which was oddly enough in my hubs truck all winter long. This book has been floating thru my head for a week, I've been wondering where it is, and have been meaning to ask hubs if he could bring it in for me. Today he did. I picked it up off the counter and opened it randomly.

My eyes fell to this:
"If you're scared, scared to fail, I say begin already, fail if you must, pick yourself up, start again. If you fail again, you fail. So what? Begin again. It is not the failure that holds us back but the reluctance to begin over again that causes us to stagnate." -Women Who Run With the Wolves

How interesting...

A message from Spirit perhaps? 

I do feel fear when it comes to my art journey, the idea of progressing it pass just a hobby. I do feel that many doors close on my face when it comes to this art journey. I do look to other artists for ideas instead of looking within and working with my own.

Lots of ego stuff comes up that I'm not good enough, that 'the market' is saturated, that I won't succeed, etc etc, you know the drill. I do feel that there is something about my art that I need to release, that my focus needs to be shifted.

I'm going to spend some time asking Spirit what this could be.

Namaste friends.

4.09.2016

energy update.

Source


I felt the universe shift again this week. 

At one point I visualized myself standing on the ground in a stance of bracing myself, and I felt and saw the earth shaking under me. The energy that is flowing thru the planet right now has been taxing on my body. As eager as I have been to paint, by the evening I've only managed to allow my body some rest on the couch. Most mornings I've slept until my alarm went off, when usually I wake up naturally a few hours before that. My body was pleading with me to sleep in on Saturday morning and I had to oblige. I feel SO much better because of it. 

The doubt that I used to feel about my beliefs is slipping away and confidence is taking hold.

No longer am I willing to let others opinions affect how I live life. We were all made different. All meant to walk a path unique to our soul's purpose. I truly believe that there is no 'right' or 'wrong', and that all systems of belief stem from the same starting point. It's hard to wake people up to this when fear has been used to ingrain a belief system into them.

I feel a wise voice within.

This voice uses me as the vehicle to utter messages to others. I know my part is done when these words have been spoken, and it's now up to them to take that knowledge and apply it to their life. I can't wake people up, I can only tell them what I know. It's part of their own unique spiritual journey to do the work.

But, even before they do the work, they have to want to wake up. I kept hearing that the ones that think they are awake are the ones that are the most asleep. They are living in an illusion of self, and until they are willing to step back and view their life from the sidelines as an observer, they will not see this about themselves.

For a while now I've been receiving dates that pertain to events which end up occurring in my life.

June has been standing out since the fall, and as of yesterday, that has been updated to specifically be June 1st. Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, and as I typed out what I wanted to say to her the words were flowing from my fingertips without me realizing it. I told her that, "She/We have until June 1st. Times a wasting. We have lots to do. Lots of people to help." And I really do believe that.

As of June 1st I'm pushing full steam ahead, whether others are on board with me or not. As I type this I see a vision of myself on a surf board zooming thru space. The stars, planets, and other galaxies flying by. I'm going to ride this wave, because it's part of my purpose and it's what I have been doing years of inner soul work to get to.

Bring it Universe, I'll be ready!

Namaste.

4.06.2016

what i learned from watching straight outta compton.

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The last few weeks of March I kept being directed by Spirit to look at a soaring eagle on the calendars of fellow co-workers. Then on Monday I woke up with a song lyric playing in my head from Crazy Love by Van Morrison. This rarely happens, but seeing that I just had a conversation with a friend who wakes up with a different song playing in her head every morning, I took this as a sign and decided to search youtube. I selected a random video and sang along with the song as I got ready for work. As the song was ending I looked down to see an eagle soaring thru the sky. Interesting.

After work on Tuesday I needed to run some errands in a nearby town, resulting in me heading home at a later time than usual. As I drove home, on the side of the road I saw the biggest eagle that I have ever seen. It was huge, the same size as a medium sized dog. Alright Spirit, you've got my attention now.

I drove into my little town stopping at the gas station. I went inside to pay and wandered over towards the chips (my weakness). My eyes glanced up at the wall of rental dvd's, right at the title, Straight Outta Compton. At this stage in my spiritual journey I know when Spirit brings me to something that will help answer my questions. I grabbed the dvd without question, movie night was set!

I've been asking the Universe for guidance with my art. I have visions of myself painting large abstract ethereal looking creations. I want my paintings to have meaning and not just be layers of paint and images. The pieces to this puzzle aren't quite there yet, but I'm following the breadcrumb trail. Watching Straight Outta Compton being one of them.

When I heard the line, "Our art is a reflection of our reality", something within me clicked. I knew nothing about the characters in this movie. I had no idea about their lives and what they lived on a daily basis. Words are their art form, and they wrote about their real lives.

That's exactly what I want from my paintings. I want them to reflect my world. My reality. In a world full of fakeness, I want to be real.

I went to work today pondering this, and met an angel who confirmed again, that my paintings are to be a reflection of my reality. This is the third angel that I have met this past year. I now see how they pop into your life when you least expect it, but at the exact right time. Their visit is always super quick, and you never end up seeing them again. You would never be able to pick them out in a crowd because they look just like ordinary people. I am grateful, and thankful, for your existence in my life.

A door is going to open with this coming Super New Moon tomorrow, April 7th. I had a vision of a door opening and I walked thru. Everything that I have been shown, felt, and thought about over these several weeks has paved the way to bring me all that I have ever dreamed of. Great things are going to start happening, and with Spirit's guidance I will take cue to my next steps.

Namaste all.

4.03.2016

frustration at studio 9x10.

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I don't understand something. 

I don't understand how last night I felt fully in the flow of creativity, and less than 24 hours later, I want to tear apart and burn all three canvases that I was painting.

The image above is one of the three canvases that I was working on. What the eff are these creatures? Dogs? Deer? An evil looking kangaroo? What do they have to do with anything that I am trying to accomplish? And don't even get me started on the random flora floating above their heads!

I'm starting to wonder if canvases come pre-cursed. This particular canvas has not co-operated with me from the very beginning and has oooooooodles of layers of paint and gesso on it. I want the canvas to be one thing, and it wants to be another. We fight. We argue. We waste paint and hours of time and effort.

I know that the intuitive process of painting is to allow images to show themselves to you, however, when the image appearing is that of an evil kangaroo, I have no interest in hanging that on my wall.

Why can't I seem to freaking figure this out?

Lately I've been journaling about my art. One day I write that I feel I need to start a piece with some direction, but when I sit down with a fresh canvas I am pulled to paint free style. Or, I will journal that I feel the intuitive painting process is best for me, but when I sit down with my sketchbook I will want some reference material to look at, a starting point.

If I can't even get my journaled thoughts 'on the same page', how can I expect myself to paint as such?

It's quite frustrating after I've spent hours working on a canvas, and all that I want to do is cover it up with white paint and start fresh. Which is exactly what I did with evil kangaroo.

Lately when an image shows up on my canvas it makes me feel stuck. 

I find myself painting around these images because I don't want to cover them up. It's not really that I feel I'm going to wreck the painting if I do, it's more that I feel like if I do cover up the images, I am yet again trapped in limbo waiting for another image to appear after several more layers of paint are added.

How does one combine a fluid and flowy painting process with a starting point or planned direction?

I don't know. Do you?

What I know for sure is that I'm feeling stuck in these feathers again. I was willing to explore them and see where they would take me, but they took me straight to Stuckville.

When I find myself in Stuckville the painting becomes no more than a large coloring book page. All of my images are created in black outline, and I am left to fill them in with color. Doing so makes me feel like I've lost the motion in the piece. It becomes flat and void of emotion. Sure, it may look 'nice', but who cares? I don't want to just create nice pieces, I want to create something that makes the viewer feel something inside.

How do I do that?