still trying to find my flow.


The more I follow astrology, the more I see and sense the planet's effects on me and my life. I wrote this post early this morning when I was still feeling the effects of yesterdays energy, topped with a really strange and disconcerting dream. By the afternoon the energy around and within me had shifted and I was feeling much more like my normal happy self. 

I wanted to share this post as I originally wrote it to show that all creatives have their down days.

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I think that this coming solar eclipse is already affecting my energy. Although it’s not so much my energy, but my thoughts. My ego is speaking loudly and almost constantly. Of course, none of what it’s saying is positive. It’s also causing anger to bubble up within me. I’ve been trying very hard to watch my thoughts and stay in a positive mindset, but them BAM!, yesterday happened and I’m questioning everything.

I consulted a few people that I follow online, they all confirmed that this is part of the process.

Something happened when I was trying to paint last night. It’s got me questioning why I’ve been clinging on to painting as if my life depended on it. As Kelly said in her horoscope video, right now the fire signs will be feeling the need to get up and go, but because we are in pisces, a water sign, not much is going to happen.

I’m looking at this in a deeper way.

Is painting really beneficial to me? Could I be using my energy in a better way? Is my path changing? Should I be releasing painting to make way for the new?

I realize this may sound like I’m being over dramatic, but there’s something happening here. 

I want to be a painter. I want to sell prints and originals, and I want to have gallery shows. But I’m feeling stuck with it, in all ways. To be honest, at times, I feel a call to writing. And if I’m really honest with myself, I think I’m holding on to painting to fill my long desire of attending art school. Maybe it didn’t happen for me back then for a reason. Just like it’s not happening now.

As I take a step back and read these words I can hear others thinking that I need to lighten up. I agree, I do. But I have an inner drive to push myself to create. It’s just that no matter what I create, it only seems to stay in the beginning phase and never progresses growing into more. Why?

I’ve been painting for three years now, and still feel unsure about my style. I haven’t found my voice with this medium. I haven't fallen into a comfortable groove with it. I do realize that people’s painting careers span decades, but I’m starting to wonder if I even understand this art form. 

I have no idea how to glide a brush across a canvas. All that my hand seems capable of is moving back and forth in a horizontal line, over and over and over. My eye wants everything to look ‘perfect’ so it instructs my hands to blend all colors into each other forming a smoothed out surface. 

More often than not I feel like I’m grasping at straws to make this work.

Somehow I have to remove the self-inflicted pressure from my creative process. 

I have to stop comparing my work and skill level to others and I have to start painting because it brings me joy. Maybe this means starting an art schedule where I dedicate specific amounts of time during the week to painting instead of trying to cram it into every single evening. Maybe this means taking a break from acrylics and trying watercolors. Maybe this means I should switch it up completely, put the paints aside and dig out my pastels. Maybe this means I should look back over my time with art and see what spoke to my heart the most over the years and focus on that.

Taking Kelly’s suggestion of tuning in to the repetitive messages, I see how I haven't been dedicating regular time to meditation and yoga. Having this creative fire within makes me automatically want to choose creating over time to myself sitting in silence and relaxing. But maybe that’s what my brain and body needs, some time to rest so that answers can be brought forth from my Higher Self.

Oy, what a day. Lots to think about.


1 comment:

  1. This is going to be a strange question, perhaps, but have you ever tried smoking weed and painting? I don't think weed is necessarily a good thing to depend on in terms of deepening our creativity (as in my own case it led me to believe that I could only access that space if I smoked), BUT I think occasionally it can be a good way to get out of one's own head and allow things to flow without the interference of ego, y'know?