3.02.2016

spiritual growth can be confusing.

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I don't know what the eff happened today.

What started off as a great morning where I was full of fresh ideas for future creative plans, quickly turned south and I was left wondering why I even bother with any thing that I pursue, creative or otherwise.

Yikes. And yes, it's been one of those days.

Reading KV's post late in the afternoon helped piece together why I began feeling this way. I think that I failed the lesson and jumped full force onto the low vibe bandwagon.

Then I saw a quote that said something like, "What your mind wants, your soul doesn't need." Which freaked me right out because at the time I was thinking about painting, feeling like I'm not getting anywhere with it. This caused an internal dialogue around painting, and if it's something that I'm trying to force, or if it's really part of my soul's calling.

I stepped up to my canvas tonight and made a disastrous mess. I mixed colors that I never use, bubble gum pink, periwinkle, and a gross baby sh*t yellow. WTF.

Nothing was flowing. Nothing felt right. Even holding the brush in my hand felt foreign, like I had never held a brush before. My brain was blank, it didn't know what to do at all. Everything felt wrong, even my go to playlist. I decided to end the struggle and as I walked out of my art room I glanced at some scribbles I created the other day out of paint, pastel, and charcoal. Those had more life and energy in them than this freaking painting.

Do you ever have days where you wonder why you even bother with projects? Some days I feel like I'm constantly keeping myself occupied with projects, but why? For what?

I wake up early in the morning, and the first thing I do is plan what I need to do that night. I haven't finished brushing my teeth and I've already got a self imposed quota to fill. I keep myself in this metaphorical hamster wheel, constantly running, constantly telling myself what I need to do that evening to feel fulfillment. I pressure myself to go go go til I am completely exhausted. I cause so much self pressure for things that are supposed to be relaxing.

Could today be some sort of shift in my creative pursuits as I walk my spiritual path? Or is this just a case of the planets lining up in a wonky way that causes havoc on human minds?

At this point, only the Universe knows.

Namaste.

2 comments:

  1. Yes, yes and yes to it all.

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    1. It's been a strange beginning to the year. Last fall I felt the excitement and grandeur of 2016, sensing great things coming to me and everyone. But, we were hit with the Merc Retrograde and it's shadow period right at the beginning of the new year, and now emotional pisces and two solar eclipses. I feel like the great things that I have been sensing have been put on pause due to the planets. I'm looking forward to getting into April and spending some time in my zodiac sign. Hopefully my fire on the inside will manifest as progress on the outside.

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