3.25.2016

sketchbook eleven - lotus flower.

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Like many, I've always loved the lotus flower. The fact that something so beautiful grows out of the muck is such a hopeful thought.

Inner growth isn't always a simple and tidy process. 

Witnessing these lotuses emerge on the page was a reminder to me that I am beginning to take hold of life. To be honest, I'm taking hold of my true self. I'm figuring out who I am, and what I want. I've been quieting the voices of others and learning to stand strong in my gut feelings. Finally, I'm accepting that I'm not like everyone else, and that I never have been.

I recently listened to a podcast by Whitney Freya and despite the focus of the podcast being centered around growing your business, I took this advice and was able to apply it to my life. The key point to this podcast was realizing your personality and working with what felt comfortable to you. An example, maybe you are a painter who is shy, and you don't like big crowds. You don't enjoy walking into galleries and asking them to look at your work. Maybe you feel more comfortable when people are at a distance and the online community is your cup of tea.

Now look to the online community, what tools are online that will help you advertise and sell your work? Well, there's blogging, instagram, society6, facebook, etc, etc. The podcast said that you should be doing what feels comfortable to you. If the thought of walking into galleries and asking them to view your work makes you sick to your stomach, then you aren't going to do that, resulting in that method clearly not working for you. The podcast emphasized focusing your energy where it's going to be beneficial for your business, and if that's the online community, then go there!

This podcast resulted in me looking back thru my life, as far as kindergarten, and seeing just how different I was from the kids around me. For all of my life I have tried to fit in, even when I strongly felt that I didn't. When someone would ask me about my different ways of doing things it made me feel like something was wrong with me. How could something that came naturally to me be wrong? It's sad that society doesn't support the 'different' ones as much as the 'normal' ones. Why can't acceptance be spread to everyone no matter who they are? 

All throughout school I knew that I was different. For the most part this didn't bother me, unless someone brought it up, then I'd feel like something was wrong with me. This really came about strongly in my adult years when hubs and I were first together.

We met when we were 21 and 22. Both his older sister and younger brother were married and in baby mode. At the time I didn't want to get married ever, or for a verrrrrrry long time, and kids was not something that I wanted at all. I spent years inside my head wondering why I didn't want that life that they wanted, that so many want. We did get married, but it had to be on my terms and when I felt comfortable, none of this getting engaged and then married a year later business, which many didn't understand.

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I have stumbled across these words numerous times on pinterest, but when I saw them again this week they meant so much more to me. 

I feel like I have been floating thru life. I start down one path, then try another, and another. Not really accomplishing anything. Because just like that podcast said, I've been trying to do things that aren't me and of course it's not been working out. I've not been following what's true to me.

One thing that did happen from this wandering is that I've found myself back at art. As much as I know that releasing and letting go is part of my lesson in this lifetime, art and spirituality has always made it's way back to me.

Art is where my mind has always wandered. 

For over a decade that's what I've wanted. Now that I actually feel like an adult and have managed to overcome my need to please others, without feeling guilty for doing things in a different way than they want, I am starting from scratch with art. My lotus painting is page eleven in my sketchbook. A very auspicious number! To be honest I'm shocked that I've made it that far as I tend to give up or push too quickly thru the process wanting the end result now! 

A part of me feels too old to be starting painting, but I know that's ego being a little biotch and trying to take me down before I even get a real start. I've stepped away from the canvas for now, and am encouraging myself to just play. This isn't easy for me, as I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I've realized a process that works and allows me to get into a happy, creative flow.

These past few months have been one realization after another. 

Weekly I'm learning oodles of new things about myself that are helping me move forward into the person that I really am. Another realization that I had about art is that I am overflowing with creative ideas, but I get stuck at the technical aspect. I haven't had any training in painting and truly don't know how to use these tools, I'm just winging it. If there's one thing that I plan to do this year it's take a painting class. It would be nice to have a teacher to talk to about techniques and tips and tricks. I'm going to throw that into the vortex and see what is returned me :)

Namaste friends.

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