3.19.2016

seeds of hope.

Source

This week has been one of deep inner growth. 

I have been thinking about my future, present, and past. I feel like I'm at a stage in life where I need to make some decisions and changes. I have taken a few years off to rest my soul and now I need to make a decision in direction. I've been having many revelations among moments of release, and have come to the conclusion that I need to pursue painting as my gift to the world.

I've struggled these past few years with identifying myself as a painter. I've allowed fear and my 'un-qualifications' to step in and keep me from fully embracing that title regardless of my ability. But now, after many inner conversations with self, and Source, I am ready for the task.

I am ready to take some steps backwards, in order to move fully forward on my path. 

For a while I was seeing these steps backwards as a negative. I felt that I have waited far long enough and need to plow full steam ahead already (!) However, I have managed to delete that negative thought from my brain and replace it with a much more positive one. Instead, I am seeing this as a chance to research, learn, and experiment, most importantly play.

I feel like Source has placed me in school again. Placed me directly into the university art class that I always dreamed of attending. I'd like to have tried the university life, but this is the way that is working for me where I'm at now.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
And I say, it's alright.
-The Beatles 

A few days ago I stumbled across a girl playing this song on her ukulele and it struck something within me. The energy in and around me has been all over the place, but I sense a shift, a shift into something great.

Here comes the sun...it's alright. 

I feel this to be true. This past year has felt like a long cold lonely winter. This winter season of life has caused me to re-evaluate, make changes, and think more positively. Winter's are not easy seasons, and it makes sense that winters of the soul would be challenging too. In the end, spring does come around with buds forming on trees and birds flying back to their northern homes. I've been gifted this life in this specific way and I need to use it to the best of my abilities.

It occurred to me that I used to talk with an old coworker about my dreams of an art studio. I used to think that it would be a building out in the back of my yard, but it's even closer. It's inside my home. Not many can say that they have their very own studio. I've been calling it my 'art room', because I never felt accomplished enough to warrant the title of 'studio'. It's time to embrace what it really is to me. It's my studio, my creative space where I dig up what's deep inside and transfer it to paper or canvas.

Thanks to the ease of internet and social media, if there's one thing I've learned about art it's that you don't need to be a university of fine arts graduate to be considered a painter. There are self taught artists who are doing amazing things with their gift. The common thread that runs thru both is what runs thru me too, we all experience fear. But, you do the work anyway. Just because I feel some fear and uncertainty, it doesn't mean that I sit down and give up, hell no! I ask questions, and I learn, just like everyone else.

Things are shifting and turning. Seeds are being planted.

Where I used to feel chaos, I now feel hope.

Namaste friends.

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