I've been thinking about my last post and the new things that I have added to my life. It wasn't until I typed them down and read them that I realized just how many new things there are.
During the day I don't feel like I'm doing anything or getting anywhere. I constantly feel like I'm wasting my precious time, and in turn, wasting my life. Because of this feeling I have filled my days full, not allowing myself a moments rest to sit back and lounge. And if I do sit for a moment, it's not without a time limit before I need to get up and start checking off my list again.
I work 40 hours a week. I am up most nights at 3am, 4am, 5am, before my alarm goes off at 5:30am. During my work day I am thinking about what I need to accomplish that night in order to feel satisfied. I pretty much race thru my day focusing on 3:30pm when I get to go home so I can start tackling my to-do list.
I'm stressing myself out.
Many things about myself are being brought to the surface. This not wanting to have a baby thing shouldn't be as hard as it sounds. I don't want to have a baby. Simple enough to understand. But the guilt that I feel because of that eats away at me daily, and has for years. Because I am not dedicating my time to raising another human being I feel inadequate, unaccomplished, like I better come up with a valid and acceptable reason as to why I am choosing to not partake in this part of what 'life's all about'.
Due to where I live, and work schedules, I spend a lot of time alone. But I know with all of my being that having a baby would not make me feel like I have a purpose. I don't want that, and I never have. My sights have always been set on other things, and this guilt is standing in the way.
I want to use my time on this planet wisely.
It's taken me long enough to come back around to wanting to be an artist. This dream was taken away and for 15 years I have been struggling with that. Struggling with two big life choices at the same time while carrying on with my day is challenging to do, I'm getting no where, and it's just bringing me down.
I have accepted what I want for myself. I have made my choice. But for some reason, I need others to accept this of me too.
It's been a weird weekend of non-stop chatter brain, and many strange things are being brought to the light for me to face. I just needed to voice this, to get it out there as a way to heal and grow.
I'm also going to cut my to-do list back. As simple as these things are, I'm just one person, and it's impossible to fit everything in to one evening.
I am thoroughly enjoying playing in my sketchbook and will continue with that only when I feel called to do so. I am also hanging up my yoga mat for a while. Creating art and practicing yoga in the same small, tiny, room is not working. I need to tidy up my paints and move furniture around every time I want to unroll my mat. So for now, until I feel I need a break from my paints, I am going to focus on meditation. Hopefully some peace will help calm whatever it is within that is throwing my energy into a frenzy.
Namaste friends, and thanks for listening.