There's much about life that I don't understand and much that I don't think I will ever fully comprehend.
My journey here has been a confusing one. I constantly find myself in solitude wanting space away from others but then craving time to converse. I don't know how to live on this planet and 'fit in' with the swarms of people here. I used to feel such sadness, but now it's more frustration at myself and why I am the way I am. Nothing jumps up at me proclaiming my destiny or path here, and so I sit some more feeling weighed down by the world around me.
Freedom has always been my number one priority in life, to do as I please, when and how I want. The funny thing is, the energy from my surroundings affects me on such a deep level that I don't venture out far or often to experience what life has to offer. I'm a lone wolf, walking this path, always moving forward, but never attaching any credentials to my name. I used to think I was a seeker, but a seeker isn't what I am. So from that I move forward, not sure where I'm going next but knowing fully that my feet are touching ground and taking new steps every second. I've accepted that I may never know where I'm going or have a final destination, or as some call, 'a purpose', and this has left an odd feeling inside. I'm not sure if I'm sad about that, apprehensive, or relieved.
I'm finding myself at a point where I no longer want to be the listening ear to others self inflicted nonsense. I don't want to hear your 'woe is me' tale and am shutting down the part of myself that is a natural born listener. I can no longer extend that part of myself.
The world is such a noisy place and rarely can I hear my own self think. Everywhere I go I'm bombarded, and the weight of it all leaves me pushed down, smooshed to the floor.
Right now I have enough energy to last an eight hour work day and that's it. Bouncing back from one of those days alone takes so much time and effort that its a mystery how I've managed to carry on with this routine day after day. Only those affected by energy will truly understand what I'm talking about; the physical exhaustion, the brain fog, the inability to move after a day out in the world.
Why was this my journey? Why was I destined for this?
It all sounds bat shit crazy and is so fucking frustrating.